I have been inspired
to start up something that sort of fizzled out.
when the world was shut down
and nothing to do but be home.
I created over 1000 cards by hand
Wrote "May you feel safe and loved when you look at this heart"
and I mailed out almost 500 cards.
I received a big order of cards for a business in Breckenridge.
I am so grateful for that distraction.

Giving a gift is a part of my mental health tool box
I learned about it long ago when I listened to a book called 29 gifts.
It is about giving a gift every day for 29 days.
Not some big grand gesture.
I mean you could, but it is really all about a mind set.
What does it mean to give something away?
And in the giving of something, I learned that I get back way more.
I feel like I have a purpose. The act of giving something is so powerful. 

and in 2020 I needed so much to give something.
and my something was a card
I started with my own little mailing list.
and then I created a form on my website
and then I got a big order...
and things sorta slowed down.
and I sorta slowed down.

and i realize how much I need to start giving 
again...
and collecting quotes
and sharing them.
so check out beautifulgrunge.com
and sign up!

​Over a year ago
I began morning pages.
A tool to help heal
my very broken heart.

I filled a composition book in 2 months
then I discovered
​write a page,
turn my journal 90 degrees
write a page
turn again
write my 3rd page
overlapping.

In the end I can’t read what I wrote.
It offered me freedom
to really say what is in my head
Without the fears.

I don’t want to go back
and dwell in all the mostly muck.
And I like that my auto brain thoughts
Won’t hurt anyone else
If they stumble upon these journals
Someday.

I filled the last page
of this journal yesterday.
Knowing all that pain
is no longer in me.

And I feel lighter.

I like the texture I have created.
I plan to use this as an art journal.
Turn the ugly into something beautiful.

Thought I would share my little process.
In case it may help you get the ugly out.

Onward.
(Morning pages are a tool from the book The Artists Way by Julia Cameron)

A beautiful fall afternoon.
We sit in the car
talking about big profound things
in the space between going there
and getting there.

She points out a tree
the center still green
radiating yellow and red
of its own making.
That tree got to choose
what color it's leaves get to be

leaves of spectacular
gradient color
green to red is tough to get to
especially by way of yellow
mother nature with her expert color 
manipulation

But it is the sun
that points out those leaves
that made the difference 
between a tree that was beautiful
and a tree that looked to be on fire 
a tree that had the power 
to show up in the distance
and to incite a long peaceful present moment
shared.

The metaphor of a tree
has so many meanings
but for me this lesson was about 
letting in the light
and when I do
I can reflect and radiate it out.
When I stay in the shadows 
it is much harder to notice the beautiful things 
and all that power is lost.

In that moment I got to witness
a tree in all it's glory of letting go
with a beautiful friend.
Words don't explain it well.
Another lesson, to live it is better than to story about it.

The tree was still green in the center
it's conversion not yet complete
but it radiated yellow and red too
it was a fleeting moment
that when the light came it was on fire
and when the light left, it was still quietly beautiful.

Maybe there is a lesson in that for me,
like life, maybe I can shine the light
but it doesn't have to be all the time
to still be beautiful

to shine the light means I am seen
and to be seen is my work
to stop playing small
and to get out of the shadows

We carefully curate our lives.
We show the best of us.
How are you? fine. you?
Look at my beautiful facebook life!
and if it isn't beautiful -
yeah - no one wants to really deal with that
they have their own crap to deal with
and soft delete.

I got a new hat!
cute little ragged heart
and it says "Life is good"
I got it for camping.
Hat equals Shampoo
as my friend James says.

I haven't worn  a hat 
since a boy gave one to me.
I was probably 19.

Last week 
I ran upstairs to get dressed
to take the dog on a walk.
I came down
and she has something...
puppies!!!

she dropped it instantly
knowing...
she had chewed off
"Life is Good"
and left the rest of the hat in tact.

I could not believe
she had eaten ONLY "life is good"
I was sad about this hat.
Sad that I had left if for her to get.
And that she had EATEN "LIFE IS GOOD"

LIFE IS GOOD...
But the metaphor is not lost on me
it has been a ruff few years.
Letting go of a dream you have had 
since you were 5... well
let's just say, it is a ruff go. 

this one little event
Life is good - but sometimes it is not.
I've been journaling about this hat.
and I try to live my life 
by WabiSabi - it is the belief that there is beauty in things that are not perfect.
I also call it Beautiful Grunge. 

And in my life I have lots of grunge.
and I realize that this is the perfect example
and I get relearn this over and over.

Putting a label of Life is Good 
is not really how I roll.
Life is complex might be better.
So the expectation that Life is Good
has been completely removed
from my hat
grunge love remains
but good... well, that is all relative. 




​

This morning I was playing in the yard with my sweet Luna. A mellow morning because we had dog friends over yesterday to play and she is usually pretty tired the next day. A quick game of fetch and she was ready to lay on the big pillow under my feet. 
The birds are back early this year or maybe I just now notice? They came just before the big storm. Do you think they are prepared? Do they stop at the store for veggies and get ready to be inside for the weekend? Was their supermarket out of bananas too?
I miss the outside world and humans as I am now making up stories about the birds.
Last night at the grocery store, a long line meant some chatting with my fellow line waiters.  Filling their carts with food for the weekend - in case we get 5ft of snow and can't run to get the frozen pizza. A long line makes for a quick chat. Unless you are the stoic guy behind me who just wanted to get home. 
The woman in front of me mentioned her husband at least 5 times in a span of that 30 minute wait in line. I guess that is how it is when you have a person. You talk about them and bring them with you where ever you go. 
​Do you think the birds do that too? All this morning chatter, was it about the mate or the thing that happened at the store or the latest gossip about the nest next door? They sure had lots to say this morning and I hope they have safe warm nests and a fridge full of frozen bird seed, if we do get that much snow.

ps i know no one reads this - but if by chance someone does, will you post a comment? I am just curious if there is an echo in the void.

well it is March 5th but March fourth is a better name for this post. 

I am taking classes at the Denver Botanic Gardens for their Botanical Illustration Certification. I started back in 2017 and slowly taking classes here and there. 2019 and 2020 were a bit of a blur. But I am back at it and so grateful they are ONLINE!!! I am currently taking color pencil class (my first apple here). April will be filled with watercolor and handwriting.  Photo realism meets my beautiful grunge and we shall see what comes of it. 

Sold these three paintings at Portfolio Gallery in Breckenridge. I will always be grateful to make art that will dwell in someone's' space. 

These three paintings
began in ANGER
months ago.  
full of texture
and drawings
and words

Today I found the calm
and meditative lines
over paint. 

I used white paint and
and liquitex ink over top
to find some movement 
I used golden high flow
in a metal tip bottle
​to draw the lines.

​these will hang in my bedroom soon. 

I got into Foothills Fine Arts Festival 2021! So excited to be accepted and can't wait to be among the HUMANS.  July 10-11, 2021, come see me.

Excited to have some new mountains at Portfolio.
I picked up a bunch of the older art that doesn't seem to sell at that spot. 
I am trying to figure out how to sell it and get it moved on so I can make space for what is next. 

We all feel "safe" in different ways.

Some of us are in our homes with work from home jobs.
Some of us have no roof over our heads.
Some of us wait in a line at a food bank we never thought we would need.
Some of us have taken pay cuts while our business is closed.
Some of us haven't worked for weeks.
Some of us are missing out on the celebrations of our once in a lifetime moments.
Some of us can feel the stress of the world in our bones. 
Some of us are home schooling our struggling children.
Some of us will get sick.
Some of us are single moms and dads going to work every day. 
Some of us just want a return to normal.
Some of us miss our friends.
Some of us are high risk and won't leave home until there is a vaccine. 
Some of us just want our jobs to open back up so we can support our families.
Some of us filed for unemployment for the first time in our lives. 
Some of us will die.
Some of us had to close our business and will not recover financially. 
Some of us have sheltered with our abusers.
Some of us wait for our kids to return from the co-parent house. 
Some of us are in pain from a medical procedure we had to postpone.
Some of us are in nursing homes and haven't left our rooms. 
Some of us have opened online and hope we can weather the storm.
Some of us have filled out all the paperwork and wait. 
Some of us are dealing with things yet to be named.
​
Some of us are feeling safe in some moments.
Some of us are not feeling safe in most moments.

All of us are riding the waves.

The journey
to a return to normal begins again.
And I fear the return
is too fast for the virus
and too slow for the economy. 

Our "New Normal" is being
​navigated
and negotiated. 

Whatever your definition of "safe" is,
I do hope you are finding it,
in whatever form that takes. 
​I hope you can choose your safe. 

I tap into my feeling of "safe"
by making cards.
I write the words
"May you feel safe and loved"
as my mantra to myself and to
"some of us."
​
It isn't much, 
but it gives me control 
of something.
​
If you would like a little reminder
of that feeling of safe
for you or a loved one
sign up for a heart card
made with love
at beautifulgrunge.com.